Back from the Dead

I haven't been able to post in a while because my computer was blocking the website. But due to Jenn's computer genious I'm finally able to post again. :D


So many things have happened in the past couple of months. And all of them extremely emotional. I have been doing my best to "ride the waves as they come" instead of allow the waves to consume and drown me. It has been an amazing, life-changing experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still growing. I'm still finding me, and I'm still learning how to not allow things to take over my life, but right now as I sit in my room on my day off, I feel content.


I think I have found someone who cares about me. A boy who cares about me. He's asleep in the bed right next to me and as I look over at him my heart smiles. I think he sees me for me, and that means more than I can explain. The best part? He isn't my ex. Yet this is one of the biggest struggles I have dealt with in the past month. How do I not blame Chris for everything the ex did for the past five years? How do I not see him in the same light and expect the worst from him, instead of giving him a chance to show me the best? I have talked to him about this, but I still expect that every time he walks out my front door that I'll never see him again. I know I feel something for him. I can feel a strange tugging at my heart every time we lock eyes and we both smile. Whenever I hear him say the words, "I'm not going anywhere" I close my eyes and wish so hard that he's being honest. I don't trust him though. How can I trust him?


I feel awful about this. Chris states that he is my boyfriend and that I am his girlfriend, but how do I be someone's girlfriend? I have been so manipulated over the past couple of years that my view of this type of relationship is completely distorted. He is being patient and understanding, and I am so thankful for that. I will keep riding this wave to see where it might take me. I'm just hoping this wave doesn't come crashing down over me. I want to ride this wave forever...

RECOMMENDATION: The Burning Hotels [http://www.myspace.com/theburninghotels] - Scroll down to the last song titled "Stuck in the Middle" -- this band is awesome.

Worth

**Disclaimer: I should not write when I'm emotional. It comes off weird. But I don't care. Just listen...or read in this case.

Who here feels worthy? Worthy of your family. Worthy of your friends. Worthy of your job. Worthy of love. Worthy of life. It's hard to justify being worthy of any of these things. They are all so vital to a human being's existence that we sometimes get lost in the translation of what it means to be appreciative.

Lately I've been trying to sort out certain aspects of my life. Since losing weight, my dating pool has expanded but it's done little for my self-esteem. I'm aware of this and am in the process of working on improving it, but it's a difficult and slow process. I say this because of other events that are occuring that negatively reinforce my sour opinion of myself.

Why can't a person be worthy of a kept promise at least? When someone says "I'll do anything for you" or "you mean the world to me". Why can it not be the truth? What about when someone says "I'll call you tomorrow." This is probably the most common lie among daters. Why even bother? Suck it up, loser. You don't even have to stick your pathetic neck out there to attempt honesty. But if you aren't going to call, don't say you are. It's lame.

Equation: (Poor Self-Esteem + Lies) * Losers = This Rant

So how do I pick up the pieces? How do I convince myself that the lies are told because of ignorance/idiocy and not because of...me?

This is the place I'm in.

I know this is the blog of the "hopelessly-bitter-cat-lady", but who gives a shit? I'm pissed. Let my rant be read.

Recommendation: Drew & the Medicinal Pen (start with the 2nd song)

Untitled for a Reason

I can't seem to think about what to title this post because I simply don't know which topic to choose. I have so many large gaps in between posts because of my schedule that I never remember the topics I want to write about, and now, here I sit...I actually have time to write and my mind is blank.

I have been extremely busy with the end of the semester (having taken 12 grad hours), and my work load has significantly increased. Both school and work have been "fine". "Fine" meaning I'm just showing up to both and doing what is asked of me until I can go home and sleep. I'm sad because I haven't been able to get to the gym as frequently lately. I'm hoping that by taking this summer off from school I can get back on track and lose the 28 lbs I still want to get rid of so badly.

Here's something new: I finally got to shove something in my ex's face. That was certainly nice. He said he wanted to see me, and I said "I don't think that's such a good idea considering I'm seeing someone". It completely freaked him out, and it made my face kinda look like this --> :D
I'm not sure what to think about this new relationship that seems to have blossomed overnight - although it's been in the works for almost a year now. We are taking things super slowly, so I don't feel very overwhelmed by it all. Just terrified. But I guess it's the good kind of terrified. I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. I've learned that the future isn't as far away as it seems, we always have to be thinking ahead to be ahead in life, or at least that's how I operate anyway. I want to move out of Texas, I want to live and experience things.

I want to challenge myself, and I challenge all of you to do the same. Some time this week do something you never thought you would do, something small...something big. It doesn't matter.

Just impress yourself.

So, go on. You've got some challenges to accomplish. I look forward to hearing about them.

RECOMMENDATION: Listen to The Kooks - start with the song "Always Where I Need to Be". They seriously rock. Hard.

Pondering Over Pounds

So, I'm sitting here, just floating around the SparkPeople* website when I see the date of my last [and only] blog post "4/1/2009" - just over one year ago. In summary, I was writing about my frustration of only having lost 5 lbs. But today is April 7, 2010, and I was at a loss for words when I reread what I wrote in that post. I'm stunned that I've stuck with this for as long as I have. At the time of that last post one year ago I had lost 5 pounds. Here I am, one year later an extra 59.5 pounds lighter. That's a total of 64.5 pounds.

What?! o_O
I'm in shock.

But the strange thing is that sometimes [okay, most of the time], I don't feel any different than that day one year ago. Maybe it's because I still struggle to shop in the "cool" stores, because women my age [23] are expected to be a size 8 {or smaller}...I'm a size 12/14. I still have another 22.5 lbs to go until my ultimate goal. A total of 87 lbs.

But here's the ultimate point of my post: What's the pressure? Why do I feel so compelled to lose this weight? Am I vain? Health-conscious? Do I really care what others (employers, friends, strangers, potential boyfriends/guys in general) think? The answer is simple: Yes.

We all care. We all want to make a good impression on the people we already know or have the potential of meeting. I have to say that being 64.5 pounds lighter has certainly boosted my self-esteem. I no longer hold back in large-group conversations. I used to hold back because I didn't want to draw attention to myself because I thought so low of myself. Being able to speak up in groups of friends, especially in class, has opened new doors for me. I also desperately hope that me losing weight will one day help me be more confident in meeting a guy. I do believe guys are initally attracted to thinner women. I can deduce this based on what I see everyday around me. Plus, when I was in high school (and thinner), I dated all the time. But when I gained all the weight in college, I hardly dated at all. We will just have to see how those tables will turn.

I wouldn't define my weight-loss as vain in any way - I still think I look chubby. But I do feel thrilled that I'm not obligated to the plus-size section in a store [if they even have one]. Trust me, if you have ever been in that circumstance it is extremely frustrating, disheartening, and a little embarassing if you're with other people who aren't limited to that section.

Would I define my goals in terms of being health-conscious...yes and no. I do want to be healthier - drink water, not soda; not eat any fast food; eat more fruits and veggies. But I'm in no way a "health nut". I still love pasta, bread, red meat, and of course the occassional drink [or two]. That will certainly never change. But this diet has certainly been a life-change for me, especially if you knew me before I started.

So I think about the pressure(s) that women [and even men] may be feeling to lose the extra poundage, and I believe we all do it for one reason: to feel good about ourselves. That's what it boils down to in the end. It really doesn't matter what he said about you, or how that girl is looking at you, or how fatty that cheeseburger you just downed might be. At the end of the day - skinny, fat, or in between - if we feel good about ourselves, and who we are on the inside, that is what matters the most.

*If you're curious about SparkPeople, ask me in the comments and I'll fill you in.

Okay, I'm back. No seriously, I am.

So, long time, no post. I know. But I'm back, and I fully intend on trying to stick with a once a week post.

Things have been moving super fast for me. I'm in the Human Resource Development masters program, I have a full-time job at the Trinity Mother Frances Hospital business office, and I'm trying to hold onto a shred of my sanity.

I'll start with an update: I'm in the HRD master's program and I'm sticking to it. I have found a passion. :) I want to become involved in organization transformation. Enter organizations and fix their strategies and processes to make them a more effectively functioning business. I won't stay on this tangent, because to most it's not remotely interesting. But there you have it folks, I know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm currently taking 12 hours, which at times is extremely stressful. I'm involved in co-authoring an article, over Workplace Conflict, that has been accepted to be presented at a conference sometime this summer. I'm extremely excited about this opportunity. It's going to give my future the wings to take off into places I might not have had a chance of reaching before...at my age at least.

As far as work is concerned, I'm a Patient Account Representative in a new program in the business office called Continuity of Care. What my job entails is that when patients come to the hospitals for procedures, our facility is either in - or out - of network with their insurance provider. When Trinity Mother Frances is out-of-network, they come to me and I work to negotiate with the insurance provider to see if they'll give us (as well as the patient) in network benefits for their procedure. It's no glorified position, but it is definitely going to give me the experience that I need to move up in the health field, which is procisely what I intend to do.

And then my social life...or lack thereof. Jenn is still my bff4e (as we like to title it), and we do mostly everything together. I'm [sortof] "talking" to a guy at the moment, and he makes me happy. It's nice to know that someone actually cares about you. It's been a really long time for me, or at least it feels like it. It's been a little rough for us, too, but we're learning how to cope. Hopefully this works out :)

I plan on coming back in about a week or so and talking about some hot topics. I really want to use this blog to vent some opinions, and further {if anyone actually comments}, dive into responses.

I hope everyone has been well. I miss working at the school so that I can see all of your beautiful faces. Let me know how you've been, I'm still around!