So many things have happened in the past couple of months. And all of them extremely emotional. I have been doing my best to "ride the waves as they come" instead of allow the waves to consume and drown me. It has been an amazing, life-changing experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still growing. I'm still finding me, and I'm still learning how to not allow things to take over my life, but right now as I sit in my room on my day off, I feel content.
I think I have found someone who cares about me. A boy who cares about me. He's asleep in the bed right next to me and as I look over at him my heart smiles. I think he sees me for me, and that means more than I can explain. The best part? He isn't my ex. Yet this is one of the biggest struggles I have dealt with in the past month. How do I not blame Chris for everything the ex did for the past five years? How do I not see him in the same light and expect the worst from him, instead of giving him a chance to show me the best? I have talked to him about this, but I still expect that every time he walks out my front door that I'll never see him again. I know I feel something for him. I can feel a strange tugging at my heart every time we lock eyes and we both smile. Whenever I hear him say the words, "I'm not going anywhere" I close my eyes and wish so hard that he's being honest. I don't trust him though. How can I trust him?
I feel awful about this. Chris states that he is my boyfriend and that I am his girlfriend, but how do I be someone's girlfriend? I have been so manipulated over the past couple of years that my view of this type of relationship is completely distorted. He is being patient and understanding, and I am so thankful for that. I will keep riding this wave to see where it might take me. I'm just hoping this wave doesn't come crashing down over me. I want to ride this wave forever...
RECOMMENDATION: The Burning Hotels [http://www.myspace.com/theburninghotels] - Scroll down to the last song titled "Stuck in the Middle" -- this band is awesome.