I've been struggling a lot lately with my future. I am a newborn graduate with my Bachelor's, but am finding it seemingly impossible to get a job. So what do I do? I'm going to grad school. I'm not sure this is the best decision, but I guess we'll see come August 26th.
I've been listening to a lot of Cartel lately and there is a song by them called "Wasted". This part has encompassed my fears:
"23 now, got his life in his hands. He's looking all around and he doesn't understand. Cause life's too busy, things get in the way We all feel alone every single day. And I'm 18 and couldn't wait to move out. It's been five years and now I'm starting to doubt whether all my dreams are just aimless stares looking off to some place that isn’t there. When I'm 32 will I'll be miserable? With everything around based on principle? Well, I have a clue. Oh wouldn't it be nice, to never be alone in this wasted life."
This verse really makes me think. Will it be like that for me? I surely hope not. I have a plan now. I'm going to start the RN program at TJC in the spring, but continue for my MBA through an online program. But that still leaves room for meeting someone. I've been single for four years now. That's like a record for me. I don't want to seem pretentious about this, but I used to move from boyfriend to boyfriend back in my high school days. Now it just seems impossible to meet someone even worth flirting with.
It makes me nervous. I know that in a couple of years I will be ready to settle down and start a family. But what if that's not in the cards for me? That scares the hell out of me. I want to meet a man that will love me unconditionally, look at me with adoration, and would do anything to protect me. Maybe I just want the security. The security of love, as well as protection. I'd like to think that it's more than that though. I do want to love and be loved in return. I want to be sappy and cheesy, then fight like dogs. I eventually want children and the stress that involved with that. I tell myself that it has to be in the cards for me, it just has to. But what if? Should I prepare myself for that "what if"? Everyday I notice that one of my friends is getting married or is having a baby. How did their timeline work out for them? Did I miss a step? Or are they simply "better" than me?
I hate to think that all of those girls are better than I am. That certainly isn't the mentality to have. Right now I am content in the plan that I have to make a future for myself the best way I know how. I just have to wait until those plans start falling into place to worry about anything else. For now, I am content. For now, I am not wasted.