Pondering Over Pounds

So, I'm sitting here, just floating around the SparkPeople* website when I see the date of my last [and only] blog post "4/1/2009" - just over one year ago. In summary, I was writing about my frustration of only having lost 5 lbs. But today is April 7, 2010, and I was at a loss for words when I reread what I wrote in that post. I'm stunned that I've stuck with this for as long as I have. At the time of that last post one year ago I had lost 5 pounds. Here I am, one year later an extra 59.5 pounds lighter. That's a total of 64.5 pounds.

What?! o_O
I'm in shock.

But the strange thing is that sometimes [okay, most of the time], I don't feel any different than that day one year ago. Maybe it's because I still struggle to shop in the "cool" stores, because women my age [23] are expected to be a size 8 {or smaller}...I'm a size 12/14. I still have another 22.5 lbs to go until my ultimate goal. A total of 87 lbs.

But here's the ultimate point of my post: What's the pressure? Why do I feel so compelled to lose this weight? Am I vain? Health-conscious? Do I really care what others (employers, friends, strangers, potential boyfriends/guys in general) think? The answer is simple: Yes.

We all care. We all want to make a good impression on the people we already know or have the potential of meeting. I have to say that being 64.5 pounds lighter has certainly boosted my self-esteem. I no longer hold back in large-group conversations. I used to hold back because I didn't want to draw attention to myself because I thought so low of myself. Being able to speak up in groups of friends, especially in class, has opened new doors for me. I also desperately hope that me losing weight will one day help me be more confident in meeting a guy. I do believe guys are initally attracted to thinner women. I can deduce this based on what I see everyday around me. Plus, when I was in high school (and thinner), I dated all the time. But when I gained all the weight in college, I hardly dated at all. We will just have to see how those tables will turn.

I wouldn't define my weight-loss as vain in any way - I still think I look chubby. But I do feel thrilled that I'm not obligated to the plus-size section in a store [if they even have one]. Trust me, if you have ever been in that circumstance it is extremely frustrating, disheartening, and a little embarassing if you're with other people who aren't limited to that section.

Would I define my goals in terms of being health-conscious...yes and no. I do want to be healthier - drink water, not soda; not eat any fast food; eat more fruits and veggies. But I'm in no way a "health nut". I still love pasta, bread, red meat, and of course the occassional drink [or two]. That will certainly never change. But this diet has certainly been a life-change for me, especially if you knew me before I started.

So I think about the pressure(s) that women [and even men] may be feeling to lose the extra poundage, and I believe we all do it for one reason: to feel good about ourselves. That's what it boils down to in the end. It really doesn't matter what he said about you, or how that girl is looking at you, or how fatty that cheeseburger you just downed might be. At the end of the day - skinny, fat, or in between - if we feel good about ourselves, and who we are on the inside, that is what matters the most.

*If you're curious about SparkPeople, ask me in the comments and I'll fill you in.

Okay, I'm back. No seriously, I am.

So, long time, no post. I know. But I'm back, and I fully intend on trying to stick with a once a week post.

Things have been moving super fast for me. I'm in the Human Resource Development masters program, I have a full-time job at the Trinity Mother Frances Hospital business office, and I'm trying to hold onto a shred of my sanity.

I'll start with an update: I'm in the HRD master's program and I'm sticking to it. I have found a passion. :) I want to become involved in organization transformation. Enter organizations and fix their strategies and processes to make them a more effectively functioning business. I won't stay on this tangent, because to most it's not remotely interesting. But there you have it folks, I know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm currently taking 12 hours, which at times is extremely stressful. I'm involved in co-authoring an article, over Workplace Conflict, that has been accepted to be presented at a conference sometime this summer. I'm extremely excited about this opportunity. It's going to give my future the wings to take off into places I might not have had a chance of reaching before...at my age at least.

As far as work is concerned, I'm a Patient Account Representative in a new program in the business office called Continuity of Care. What my job entails is that when patients come to the hospitals for procedures, our facility is either in - or out - of network with their insurance provider. When Trinity Mother Frances is out-of-network, they come to me and I work to negotiate with the insurance provider to see if they'll give us (as well as the patient) in network benefits for their procedure. It's no glorified position, but it is definitely going to give me the experience that I need to move up in the health field, which is procisely what I intend to do.

And then my social life...or lack thereof. Jenn is still my bff4e (as we like to title it), and we do mostly everything together. I'm [sortof] "talking" to a guy at the moment, and he makes me happy. It's nice to know that someone actually cares about you. It's been a really long time for me, or at least it feels like it. It's been a little rough for us, too, but we're learning how to cope. Hopefully this works out :)

I plan on coming back in about a week or so and talking about some hot topics. I really want to use this blog to vent some opinions, and further {if anyone actually comments}, dive into responses.

I hope everyone has been well. I miss working at the school so that I can see all of your beautiful faces. Let me know how you've been, I'm still around!

Wow, I. Fail.

Keeping up with this blog is harder than I thought. Or maybe I'm more busy than I thought. Or maybe I really do fail. Hard.

Regardless, I'm here! I figured that since I was sitting at my unpaid internship, I might as well utilize their time to my benefit.

Yet here I sit. I really don't have anything to talk about. My life really is a constant cycle of a routine that I am content with. I wake up and either go to the gym super early or go to work, I might have class on a certain night, then I'll go to Jenn's to make/eat dinner and watch an episode of one of our many followed seasons, and after I try to tackle the insane amount of reading I have for grad school I go to bed and start all over. So as you can tell my life doesn't get much more exciting than what you see at face value.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I feel like my life is missing something. I know that I have amazing friends, and I'm making it through life okay with my family. But what is it that I feel void of? A relationship? Adventure? Challenges? A real job? Well, on the relationship front, I really don't want a relationship right now. Way to many obligations and too much work. I'm not ready for that at the moment. As for adventure, I find myself trying new things more often. Clubs, bars, I'm hopping on a plane all by my lonesome after Christmas and flying to Colorado to try out snowboarding for the first time with Jenn. That's pretty adventurous for me. And I'm not sure I could challenge myself more after signing up for this grad program. I've never taken any business classes, and here I am, hanging out in the MBA program. Slowly waving goodbye to my sanity. So, I think I've cleared the mark for challenges at the moment. That leaves having a real job. I heard of an opportunity at a local (somewhat local) hospital, I just need to pursue it. I think I'm a little nervous about that change. I'm content in my little student-assistant-bubble, I don't want to leave! I will have to though, I need the money and the experience. Hopefully I'll find the courage to apply and beast the interview so that I can move on to the next step in my life.

Now, onward to inane tasks that I'm not paid to do!

Have a good one :)

As usual, I'm delayed in my posting. Sometimes it's a little difficult to get an inspiration to post. Alas, I have thought of something to blab about. First, a little update. School starts for me today. So I'll be taking two graduate courses and working. This should be interesting.

Anyway, let's get on with it...

If you've known me for a while and were to see me now, I'd have to admit that I'm a changed person. Not just physically; but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally as well. I'll get to that in a second. But if you don't know me I'll share a short background. I went through a really tough time my sophomore and junior years of college. Sophomore year was the worst. I went through a bad breakup and decided that alcohol would solve all of my problems. I drank all the time. As you can imagine, I gained a ton of weight and my self esteem went down the drain. But something this year changed. I have felt the change coming for a while now. But in March, I finally decided to do something about my out of control weight problem. I started dieting and exercising (nothing special) and have now lost 44 pounds.

It's been amazing. I can't begin to tell you what it has done for my life. My self-esteem/confidence has risen drastically. I love it when people notice and compliment me. I love the feeling of being tired from work, but making myself go to the gym only to leave and feel so much better about myself. I love that I couldn't have done any of it without my best friend Jenn. She always kept me motivated and on track.

I don't know how I was able to turn off the desire to drink to 'solve my problems'. I just did. I think I had a realization one day and knew that it was only making me even more miserable. Granted, there is a lot more to this story that I have left out for length purposes. Nonetheless, the point is that I feel like I've come leaps and bounds from the depths I felt buried beneath no more than two or three years ago.

I'm not saying that life is perfect for me, it's still quite hard at times. I am saying that I feel like a better person. That's got to mean something in this life, right?

Let's Be Honest...

A little bit of an update before I begin...
I think I'm going to aim for a post a week because I'm a bad blogger and am easily distracted by other things. Other things consisting of the second season of Gossip Girl [which just came out on DVD and I'm super excited]...and reading...and RockBand. Very important things, as you can tell. But seriously, a post a week.

So, I'm in a sorority. I just graduated with my Bachelor's so this makes me an alum. But, I'm in a sorority no less. I will keep the sorority's name disclosed because although I might be honest, I don't want to be vicious.

Recruitment is fast approaching and this means many things for both sides of participants. The poor souls that aim to join one of these groups are stressing about appearance (which outfit to wear? How to style my hair? Will they like me?) , researching each sorority at their campus, and more than likely ignoring the sole reason for their attendance at said campus. On the other side of the door, sorority loyals are planning decorations, practicing songs, learning the "do's and dont's" of proper conversation, maticulously judging the appropriate outfits to make their group as a whole look "presentable"; I think it makes all of us look like cookie-cutter, soccer-mom-housewifes. I have nothing against that stereotype. If you're a woman who does nothing all day but tote your kids around and takes care of the household, that's great for you. I understand that that can be a full-time job within itself, but it isn't me. I don't believe that I should present myself as such either.

I have been in a sorority for four years, and I'm pretty knowledgable about the inner workings of it's "democracy". I'm not quite positive why I decided to stick with it for four years because it was an extremely stressful part of my college career. I put a lot of money and time into it, I've lost countless friendships and gained few, and I still don't feel like I'm walking away with much.

I've talked endlessly with several friends about the pros and cons of sorority life. Location is key. My university doesn't seem to be the right home for Greek life. However, there are factors about sorority life that I believe are common among all chapters. We are all fake. Very blunt statement, I understand. But I don't apologize for it. To some varying degree, each sorority girl is fake. It doesn't necessarily mean that all of us have fake blonde hair, fake tans, fake boobs, AND a fake personality. It just means that we aren't honest with others or with ourselves 100% of the time.

The sorority that I had dedicated the past four years of my life has prided itself on being original and down to earth. But when it's recruitment time, we put on a mask. We try to act like our sorority is a fun club that doesn't have political issues and money problems. I would love it if our recruitment parties could be us in a room with couches and junk food. We could wear whatever suited us, and we could sit and casually talk to these girls about what our sorority was really about. I would tell them all of the fun we have, but I would also be honest about how much work is really involved in maintaining, as well as building upon, the existing sorority.

I could keep talking about this forever. I think you all get my point though. I might write more about sorority life in later posts. Maybe...

Moral: Honesty. Because it's so much more attractive than being fake.

Becoming Wasted?

I've been struggling a lot lately with my future. I am a newborn graduate with my Bachelor's, but am finding it seemingly impossible to get a job. So what do I do? I'm going to grad school. I'm not sure this is the best decision, but I guess we'll see come August 26th.

I've been listening to a lot of Cartel lately and there is a song by them called "Wasted". This part has encompassed my fears:

"23 now, got his life in his hands. He's looking all around and he doesn't understand. Cause life's too busy, things get in the way We all feel alone every single day. And I'm 18 and couldn't wait to move out. It's been five years and now I'm starting to doubt whether all my dreams are just aimless stares looking off to some place that isn’t there. When I'm 32 will I'll be miserable? With everything around based on principle? Well, I have a clue. Oh wouldn't it be nice, to never be alone in this wasted life."

This verse really makes me think. Will it be like that for me? I surely hope not. I have a plan now. I'm going to start the RN program at TJC in the spring, but continue for my MBA through an online program. But that still leaves room for meeting someone. I've been single for four years now. That's like a record for me. I don't want to seem pretentious about this, but I used to move from boyfriend to boyfriend back in my high school days. Now it just seems impossible to meet someone even worth flirting with.

It makes me nervous. I know that in a couple of years I will be ready to settle down and start a family. But what if that's not in the cards for me? That scares the hell out of me. I want to meet a man that will love me unconditionally, look at me with adoration, and would do anything to protect me. Maybe I just want the security. The security of love, as well as protection. I'd like to think that it's more than that though. I do want to love and be loved in return. I want to be sappy and cheesy, then fight like dogs. I eventually want children and the stress that involved with that. I tell myself that it has to be in the cards for me, it just has to. But what if? Should I prepare myself for that "what if"? Everyday I notice that one of my friends is getting married or is having a baby. How did their timeline work out for them? Did I miss a step? Or are they simply "better" than me?

I hate to think that all of those girls are better than I am. That certainly isn't the mentality to have. Right now I am content in the plan that I have to make a future for myself the best way I know how. I just have to wait until those plans start falling into place to worry about anything else. For now, I am content. For now, I am not wasted.

Let's Get This Out in the Open

As usual, I am having dinner with my best friend Jenn tonight and we are exchanging stories of our day. We usually have some pretty funny stories of people we have run into or things we have seen while we are out and about.

So before I get into the story that she shared with me, I have a confession to make.

I. Am. A. Twilight Fan.

Ok, before you sigh and roll your eyes at me. Let me explain myself.

I am a Twilight fan, which automatically put me in the same category as squeeling twelve year old girls. Do they exist? Yes. Am I one of them? No. Absolutely not.

I like Twilight for many reasons. I like how the books are in first person perspective. I love the idea that chilvary still exists. I think I'll save the explanation for this for later entries. I fell in love with the characters quite easily, or they annoyed me in the same light. They evoked emotions from me, and I had never had a book do that to me before. I don't believe that I'm a crazed fan. I will admit that I check Twilight fan sites, read fanfiction, and I attended the Twilight conference held in Dallas, TX a couple of weeks ago. But why should I be judged because of this? Because it's not the "cool" thing to do? What is this, middle school? Are you kidding me? Forgive me if I begin to vent. But I've been dealing with this judgment for the past year and I just need to get it off my chest.

So, back to the story that Jenn told me. She tells me that while she was in class today she overheard a conversation about Twilight. I'll give these people the names of Guy and Girl. Fair enough. So, Guy asked Girl "have you read Twilight?" and she replied, "yes." Guy asked Girl what her opinion was and she says that she hated the writing. Which is all fine and good. I respect her opinion. But she then starts to compare Twilight to Harry Potter.....UGH! I am SO sick of this comparison. I can list right now the similarities of Twilight and Harry Potter. 1) Young adult novel. 2) Fantasy. 3) Massive fan base. That's it! So, why do people continue to insist on comparing the writing styles, characters, plots, etc.? I just don't understand it. I am a bigger fan of Twilight than I am of Harry Potter [although I love both] for my own reasons. But I definately don't compare the two, because they just don't compare! The funny thing is that Guy admitted that he had only read the first three chapters of Twilight. So why does he even get an opinion? He didn't even give them a fair chance. If I were to talk to someone who had read all four of the books and they admitted to disliking them I would respect their thoughts and actually applaud them for sticking through all of the books.

All in all, I don't think that I should be ashamed of Twilight. Just like others shouldn't be ashamed for liking to keep up with football stats...or say, writing blogs.

I think in future blogs I might dive into some topics that can be brought out of Twilight. I'm excited! Don't judge me.